A peek inside

Well, I kept up with a little notebook full of scribbles but I haven't been blogging?  But I haven't given up on it yet, I've just been insanely busy.  I want to update but I don't have time for a new entry so here are a few of my most recent musings:

Sept.19
 I was hoping for a change to shake me out of the desperate ennui I felt, and maybe that's exactly what today was. I'm hoping to begin anew with these sudden developments and with that, this concludes my first journal entry of what I hope to be many.

Sept. 22
I realized today that when I'm troubled by something my subconscious will form a generalized,  precedented, negative judgement. Once it's involuntarily established,   everything (subject, person, memory etc.) that comes to mind is "tinged" by the same judgement.  This is why when I get very depressed about one thing it seems like its impossible to think positively about anything else.  In a sense, it is because my thoughts are being automatically processed by that fixed subconscious mindset.

Oct. 3
I had a busy day yesterday but it was surprisingly decent, especially considering my alarm didn't go off yet again.  I had a good day at work despite being fifteen minutes late (though impressive if you keep in mind that I woke up fifteen minutes before work started!) and I had a very good time meeting with my dad after work.  I'm going to reopen connection with my mother but under a strictly adult-adult relationship.  As a mother and as a daughter, we've been struck with a particular set of neuroses and fire that leads us to butt heads.  But it was received well by my father and I hope to implement these plans in the near future. 

Oct. 11
I think this is what happiness feels like to someone without depression.  Though the stark contrast is infuriating, it is also a blessing because it shows that there is a clear biological component to my depression and that I can only blame myself so much.

Oct. 22
I'm happy today.  Happiness IS possible for me.  

I am loved :}