So...this Thanksgiving Jeremy and I are going to my parents house.  Although we have been engaged for three months my parents are still not aware of this fact. Why?  Because in April I had to distance myself from my mother when she caused me to have a horrific mental/emotional breakdown. She finally admitted that she was wrong just recently and we have smoothed everything over and reached an understanding for the most part.  So now Jeremy and I agree that it's time for them to hear the big news.  I'm excited, but still have butterflies thinking about it. I get so flustered about the prospect of sharing my life with this man who has entirely captured me mind, body and spirit.  I'm going to be anxious this Thursday heh.  While on the subject, I really want to dedicate a whole entry to the tale of our engagement, and I might even start documenting the road to marriage as we embark on this journey together <3

Hope realized

I don't subscribe to superstitious thinking but I just realized that the wish I made on 11-11-11, two years ago today, has finally come true! I hope the same can be said for others <3

Tell me...

...was it all in my head?

I met with my mother last night after months of unflinching detachment.  It went...almost too well.  Both her and my father seemed very eager to make amends and I just hope they are sincere in their actions.  All my life they seemed to gaslight me and sweep things under the rug just to artificially bring ephemeral peace until they explode yet again and repeat the process all over.  It could have something to do with why I never seem to accept when things are going well, but instead assume the worst is yet to come just around the corner.

Well I'll hopefully have some positive progress in this particular matter.  I have far more happy entries to catch up on in the meantime!

Best wishes to all.

Here goes...well, a lot.

Today I am going home and seeing my mother for the first time in 7 months.  Let's hope this goes well.

A peek inside

Well, I kept up with a little notebook full of scribbles but I haven't been blogging?  But I haven't given up on it yet, I've just been insanely busy.  I want to update but I don't have time for a new entry so here are a few of my most recent musings:

Sept.19
 I was hoping for a change to shake me out of the desperate ennui I felt, and maybe that's exactly what today was. I'm hoping to begin anew with these sudden developments and with that, this concludes my first journal entry of what I hope to be many.

Sept. 22
I realized today that when I'm troubled by something my subconscious will form a generalized,  precedented, negative judgement. Once it's involuntarily established,   everything (subject, person, memory etc.) that comes to mind is "tinged" by the same judgement.  This is why when I get very depressed about one thing it seems like its impossible to think positively about anything else.  In a sense, it is because my thoughts are being automatically processed by that fixed subconscious mindset.

Oct. 3
I had a busy day yesterday but it was surprisingly decent, especially considering my alarm didn't go off yet again.  I had a good day at work despite being fifteen minutes late (though impressive if you keep in mind that I woke up fifteen minutes before work started!) and I had a very good time meeting with my dad after work.  I'm going to reopen connection with my mother but under a strictly adult-adult relationship.  As a mother and as a daughter, we've been struck with a particular set of neuroses and fire that leads us to butt heads.  But it was received well by my father and I hope to implement these plans in the near future. 

Oct. 11
I think this is what happiness feels like to someone without depression.  Though the stark contrast is infuriating, it is also a blessing because it shows that there is a clear biological component to my depression and that I can only blame myself so much.

Oct. 22
I'm happy today.  Happiness IS possible for me.  

I am loved :}

Things are going great, but...

...that's exactly why I'm scared. Happiness has always been a fickle emotion in my life, and to be honest I'm nervous. I don't want to look back on this time as a beautiful lie.

Very quick post, but I just needed to get this out.

Potential greetings

I may switch to this as my permanent blogging site. If so, welcome to my twisted little world! :}