Well, I kept up with a little notebook full of scribbles but I haven't been blogging? But I haven't given up on it yet, I've just been insanely busy. I want to update but I don't have time for a new entry so here are a few of my most recent musings:
Sept.19
I was hoping for a change to shake me out of the desperate ennui I felt, and maybe that's exactly what today was. I'm hoping to begin anew with these sudden developments and with that, this concludes my first journal entry of what I hope to be many.
Sept. 22
I realized today that when I'm troubled by something my subconscious will form a generalized, precedented, negative judgement. Once it's involuntarily established, everything (subject, person, memory etc.) that comes to mind is "tinged" by the same judgement. This is why when I get very depressed about one thing it seems like its impossible to think positively about anything else. In a sense, it is because my thoughts are being automatically processed by that fixed subconscious mindset.
Oct. 3
I had a busy day yesterday but it was surprisingly decent, especially considering my alarm didn't go off yet again. I had a good day at work despite being fifteen minutes late (though impressive if you keep in mind that I woke up fifteen minutes before work started!) and I had a very good time meeting with my dad after work. I'm going to reopen connection with my mother but under a strictly adult-adult relationship. As a mother and as a daughter, we've been struck with a particular set of neuroses and fire that leads us to butt heads. But it was received well by my father and I hope to implement these plans in the near future.
Oct. 11
I think this is what happiness feels like to someone without depression. Though the stark contrast is infuriating, it is also a blessing because it shows that there is a clear biological component to my depression and that I can only blame myself so much.
Oct. 22
I'm happy today. Happiness IS possible for me.
I am loved :}
